UNEXPECTEDLY I found that I had the ball, so I kicked it vaguely in the direction of the other school’s goal.

I managed to catch up with the ball and tap it a bit further toward the distant goal. Aged 12, I was the worst player in the 2nd XI of our school, at New Milton in Hampshire. The pitch was unlevel and the ball was accelerating downhill, toward their goal. I struggled to keep up with it.

I noticed that there was no-one between me and the goal apart from their goalkeeper, who was coming forward to confront me. I could hear boys cheering me from the touchline, and teacher Mr Steadman was shouting encouragement.

Anyone but me would probably score in this situation but I knew I couldn’t kick straight. Nevertheless I booted the ball as hard as I could, aiming it at the goalie, hoping it would just miss him and go in the goal.

I badly mis-kicked. The ball didn’t go towards the goalie. It went up in the air. I felt humiliated. But wait! Mr Steadman seemed delighted. “Oh lovely shot,” he shouted. I watched the ball descend as if in slow motion. It bounced in front of the goal, and landed in the net!

The crowd went crazy. Everyone assumed I had outwitted the goalie by lobbing the ball over his head deliberately.

For years after that only football triumph of my life I took some slight interest in the game, watching Saints and Cherries home games occasionally and supporting Winch in a cup final. But I’ve never watched a whole match on telly.

What could the world’s football authorities do to make people like me more interested? For one thing, modernise by using more tech to adjudicate goals, off-sides and fouls. They could also consider copying rugby by micing refs so that TV viewers hear what refs say to players.

Unfortunately heading should go. It’s painful to see players risking brain damage.

Extra time is tedious and should be terminated on the first goal. Scoring in extra time could be hastened by a) moving the posts to widen goals or (b) forbidding goalkeepers to use hands.

For spectators, clubs should improve conditions, starting with comfortable seats, and carpets. I would also like to see supporters clap when an opposition player impresses. And I wouldn’t mind if players were prohibited from spitting phlegm onto the pitch.

But fans know football is the best team game. It’s got a big ball that you can see easily all the time. In rugby the ball is often hidden in a scrum or tucked under an arm. In cricket the tiny ball is, like the players, too distant from customers paying to watch.

Formula 1 is even more remote from its audience, who never see a human face. Few youngsters set out to be racing drivers because of the expense but most boys in the world, and increasingly girls too, dream of playing football for a living. That means that those who reach the top in football have heroically overcome sport’s toughest odds.

One reason that football has become the world’s most popular sport is goal rarity. In most sports, scores clock up gradually, but scoring in football is something fans can really go crazy about because it only happens about twice a game.

The England team normally does well in my uninformed opinion, usually winning through to the knockout phase, and once in my life actually beating the whole world.

You might think that a non-sportsman like me has no right to air opinions on football but that view underestimates the importance of football to everyone, through media and everyday conversation. Football is a glue helping British society coalesce. Getting cynics like me to embrace football would strengthen the glue.

England doesn’t need to win as much as other countries. After all, we actually invented the game, didn’t we?