Recently at college there has been a drink driving awareness week, the highlight of which you may have seen on a South Today report; a mock car crash on our field, involving some drama students (just to emphasise that, so that there is no mass panic about vehicles speeding around a college campus: A MOCK CRASH).

It was very convincing.

So much so that several dopy students (some make better conversation in their sleep) genuinely thought that two cars had driven onto our field, which never happens, and hit each other, which would have been incredible bad luck (or planning). And then that the 1000 students had stood and watched as news crews filmed, not the actual crash, as the cars were just sitting there crumpled by the time we arrived but the wrecks after the collision, while the victims climbed into the cars that they were not in when they hit and then began to scream or be dead.

“The police got there quickly though,” the idiots claimed, “it’s almost as if they knew the crash would happen at that exact spot, but then they just stood and drank tea, waiting for the Fire Brigade to come and do the work for them. And if the police had time to pack a microphone and speaker set, surely they would have the time to help those poor drivers? I am appalled and am definitely going to vote Kaiserchiefs next Olympics”

Isn’t it encouraging that these are the economists, doctors and teachers of tomorrow?

The other great thing about the week was the college slogan: “If you drink then drive you’re a idiot”

Fantastic.

Questionable grammar, yet a punchy message. If only we could do that for more public awareness campaigns.

Here are some I prepared earlier: “If you cause others to passive smoke, then you should rethink your life”

“Don’t carry a knife, you moron”

“Over half of people who walk slowly in front of Bunyan should expect extreme sarcasm”

“Choosing not to rustle sweet papers in the cinema is scientifically proven to make you more attractive”

“If you binge drink, I hate you”

“89% of Boris Johnson will hunt you with a bow and arrow if you litter in London”

I may have just solved all of society's problems. If you have benefited from this in any way, then cheques are made payable to James Bunyan.

Oh, and Merry Christmas all.